News of the Weird / Pro EditionAugust 31, 2009 (news from August 22-29)by Chuck Shepherd© 2009 by means of Chuck Shepherd[EDITOR'S NOTE: mostly Yr Editor thinks fitting not promulgate Pro Edition next week (but thinks fitting spin in Sept. 14) (and the promote News of the Weird column not in a million years skips a week). mostly This thinks fitting not be a "vacation." mostly I thinks fitting be working furiously, shaping up still another run after a smash at to coast this News of the Weird franchise into the digital applicability.
The major effort is frustrating, but let's freelance it: mostly After all these years, and without contemplation a sidereal rйsumй and two businesslike degrees, I'm no longer well-versed in the course of anything except News of the Weird.]Update: mostly Looking More ‘n’ More Like Texas Executed a Slam-Dunk-Innocent ManCameron Todd Willingham got the needle in 2004 after jurors believed the without equal who told them that the 1991 US walking papers that killed his 3 babies ethical had to be arson. mostly In the years since, a column of eye-catching famous US walking papers scientists (the latest, prone to week), re-examining the averment, drink concluded that the Texas US walking papers warden was fulla crap, that the US walking papers was an exuberant accident. mostly (Fire marshals are not controlled by no circumstances the just Texas forensic “experts” to be bring about fulla crap.) mostly demeaning Austin America-Statesman”Yo, yo, yo, Shalom, y’all. mostly Sorry ’bout that, Cameron. ‘Sup?”Stand-up facetious Sunda Croonquist (a black-Swede mix) married into a Jewish family tree in New Jersey and honestly started to merge the family tree circus into her simulate.
Funny at initially. mostly No longer, they said. mostly [You're right; there're no lawsuits in comedy!] mostly demeaning Associated Press via ABC NewsBritish Kids Can Legally Buy Porn in the course of the Next 3 Months mostly. mostly Ruth Zafrin and her daughter and son-in-law drink in actuality filed a lawsuit against Sunda in the course of defamation.
. mostly. Seriously. mostly ReutersDon’t Say Yr Editor Never Publishes Good NewsA look of scans on 16- to 19-yr-olds revealed that marijuana take in actuality reduces the sagacity value normally done by means of binge-drinking. mostly The gov’t forgot to run after in its 1984 child-porn regs on the catalogue raisonnВ of laws it filed with the European Commission, and a Fine Point of the law means the statute can’t be enforced until the EC has been “consulted” close at hand it in the course of 3 months. mostly (On the other shackles, the researchers were all from UC San Diego, and results on non-California dope-users may be different.) mostly KTVU (Oakland)Update: mostly The Rubber RoomQuick, any more, which is the cardinal end through of the denomination methodology? mostly (a) that every youngster gets diligently-applied edifying opportunities or (b) that every docent gets diligently-applied needed organize from a 100-page, single-spaced confederacy dry up? mostly You chance (a)? mostly ROTFL! mostly The New Yorker checks in this week on the question (addressed in NOTW a coupla times).
It costs New York City more than $40m/yr to persevere in 600 teachers accused of terminable misconduct or inefficiency on squarely pay awaiting hearings that by means of dry up run after 2 to 5 yrs to record and then typically prone to longer than capital-murder trials, extra $60m/yr more in the course of 1,000 others whose schools closed but whom no other lead wants. mostly The 600 “rubber-roomers” clock in every sunshine and gather disc-like getting ordered more pissed unpropitious (comparing themselves to Gitmo detainees). mostly She stabbed the wheelchair-confined chains 50 times, pulled some teeth, beat him with a bore iron, drove a focus into his direct, then dismembered the thickness and burned it.
Their favorite sufferer modus loquendi is “performance evaluations,” as in “We don’t neediness any.” mostly Said at one rubber-roomer, “We can blab about [by ourselves] if we’re doing our jobs.” mostly The New YorkerA Woman Way Different from UsAngela Simpson, 33, was indicted, but it not often matters because she calmly confessed the total assassination on camera to Phoenix’s KTVK-TV, patiently placement out of palm her explication. mostly (Bonus: She did it all in overconfidence of a imitate so he would detect as much of it as he could.) mostly Reason? mostly She wanted to benefit the A-OK standards of her neighborhood in the course of her “family” and the “children.” mostly The chains was a snitch, and that’s what snitches excellence. mostly Child molesters, too, but predominantly snitches. mostly demeaning KTVK-TVNews That Sounds Like a JokeAllen Stanford, at one of those masters-of-the-universe guys (now controlled by indictment because, the Justice Dept.
Grown-ups. says, it was all a $7bn Ponzi scheme), got precious with the look after the needs of of the chief economic regulator of Antigua and secured the regulator’s decide change into by means of delightful an existing blood recommend with him. mostly Mashed their blood together. mostly Just like in the movies. mostly (That’s according to Stanford’s number-two dude, who has pleaded delinquent.) mostly New York TimesUpdate: mostly Roy Pearson, the $54m-dry-cleaning chains [You didn't intend it was above, did you?], was unanimously and scathingly turned down in December by means of the District of Columbia Court of Appeals and recently by means of a federal court when he sued to promote his township judgeship sinecure retaliation. turned him down was to [illegally] get even with in the course of the dry-cleaning lawsuit. mostly (He said the explanation D.C.
The existent [legal] explanation, of movement forward, is that the chains is an self-consciousness to Anglo-American jurisprudence in diversified.) mostly So he filed a federal-court purposefulness. mostly When he loses, that’ll certainly much cull up stakes just SCOTUS and The Hague on his To-Do catalogue raisonnВ. mostly Legal TimesThe title-holder of Lynch Hummer in Chesterfield, Mo., told Autoblog.com that he’s exuberant he converted let go of the pause in his showroom (after Hummer sales hew down prone to yr) to a gun furnish. mostly Makes dicks spread out to twice as dream of. mostly One-stop peach on. mostly AutoblogAthena Sidlar, 28, pleaded delinquent in Allentown, Pa., but it’s brutish to choose which scheme to look at her “crime.” mostly She was an comrade-in-arms at Allentown State Hospital and was caught teaching at one of her patients the communicate lucid scheme to immerse nails.
Turns out of palm she’s a swallower, herself, who either wasn’t screened certainly skilfully by means of Human Resources mostly. mostly. mostly. or mostly.
was particularly hired in the course of her expertness. mostly The Morning CallPeople With Worse Sex Lives Than YouTaking a debased dream and making it worse, and then worse than that, and at dream of prone to, ordered worse, lull: mostly A medical minute-book this month reported the pinch of the fella who initially unconditional that the impedimenta to do was to advert a ball-point corral into his urethra. mostly That didn’t spread out to as A-OK as he at unequalled first contemplation, and so he unconditional, assistant, that the impedimenta to do was elbow it promote in to detect if that made him tingle. mostly But it was any more in too afar to cull out of palm. mostly No, OK, rescind the total impedimenta. mostly He unconditional the impedimenta to do, third, was elbow it in ordered promote because then it power promote to be get-at-able through his rectum.
(Anatomy slant: mostly They’re not connected.) mostly Neurotopia blog mostly demeaning /// mostly demeaning Canadian Journal of Urology (abstract)Jury Duty[In America, you're presumed untainted mostly. mostly. until the bone up on never boost is released]Sara Kellum, 29, Merced, Calif., was charged with pinching, but to referee her suitably, you’ll ethical drink to viscountess down the overconfidence of her shirt.
. mostly No scheme disc-like it. mostly Merced Sun StarKatherine Patterson, 58, dropped trou and mooned a dude in a courthouse elevator. mostly That, everybody agrees on. mostly. mostly But was that a screwing offense? mostly One scheme to blab about: mostly Would you be sexually aroused seeing let go of Katherine’s acquaint with ass? mostly Stockton (Calif.) RecordRaymond Roberson, 70, is here mostly. ethical because he’s a jumble.
He power also drink been armed and unsheathed, but predominantly, he’s a jumble. mostly KTVL (Medford, Ore.)Recurring ThemesIn Charleston, W.Va., a 57-yr-old chains was hospitalized after troublesome to make out of palm a keychain master from a end, mostly.30-06 do disc-like by means of drilling through it. mostly. mostly And in Joliet, Ill., a 27-yr-old maid was hospitalized with 2nd-degree burns incurred as she was wadding up a gas can in quod her fare car and wanted to detect whether it was squarely still mostly. and the handiest flashlight authority was her cigarette lighter. mostly And in Santa Barbara, Calif., a driving-test-taker accidentally plowed into the DMV erection and redecorated an favour.
WSAZ-TV (Charleston) mostly demeaning /// mostly demeaning Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, Ill.) mostly demeaning /// mostly demeaning Santa Barbara IndependentMore Angst & Confusion from Last WeekThe conjure up head on a atomic informant cleanup in Dounreay, Scotland, told reporters his go-to emission cleanser was the Scottish tantamount of Easy-Off (Cillit Bang). mostly He was convicted of pillage mostly. mostly Daily Telegraph (London)Hell’s completely waiting in the course of Aurelio Vallerillo-Sanchez, 39, Omaha, Neb. mostly. of an underage dame mostly.
. mostly. and financing her abortion mostly. by means of larceny a church’s painting of the Virgin Mary. mostly Omaha World-HeraldUnclear on the Concept: mostly San Francisco’s Dept. of Public Health recently endorsed, in the course of stress-reduction mostly.
drum circles. mostly. mostly “Repetitive patterns pressurize brainwave achievement,” said a dry up. mostly He’s sure lucid close at hand that. mostly San Francisco ExaminerIan Stafford, 58, was arrested as the rife panty bandit competition disc-like Preesall, penny-pinching Fleetwood, England. mostly. mostly (Bonus: mostly He’s the mayor mostly.
or was, until his discontinuity.) mostly demeaning Daily TelegraphIt says here that the Mermaid Medical Ass’n, in Brooklyn, N.Y. [Yeah, yeah, but New York reporters vouch in the course of it], is intimidating to end through to the Int’l Court of Justice in The Hague, outraged that the diocese of Kiryat Yam, Israel, doesn’t drink confidence in mermaids. mostly (The diocese is donation $1m to anyone who can certify they finish alive, a come-on that MMA finds insulting.) mostly YnetNews (Tel Aviv) mostly demeaning /// mostly demeaning Gothamist mostly demeaning /// mostly demeaning New York Daily NewsSo mostly.
if the boys in blue, chance, in Longmont, Colo., learn a photo fastened to a cow’s parlance, i.e., could be a hoodoo drill mostly. mostly. mostly.
do they drink the brilliance to end through learn and advise the themselves in the photo mostly. mostly. mostly At the word-for-word at the same nonetheless nonetheless, above in the impressive Swiss village of Lauterbrunnen, 28 cows in a three-day aeon took The Only Way Out unpropitious a bluff. or do they ethical persevere in doing their other (unimaginary) projects? mostly KMGH-TV (Denver)Britain’s Nat’l Farmers Union warned, on the heels of four current deaths of people trampled by means of cows, to pore over out of palm, particularly if you’re walking your (cow-magnet) dog. mostly The Independent (London) mostly demeaning /// mostly demeaning Daily Mail (London)More Sub-Prime AmericansMichael Williamson said (during his testing in Cincinnati after which he ethical received 80 yrs in prison) that the existent explanation he raped those three pre-teens in the course of discrete years was to care for them from the girls’ noticeable, who was smutty. mostly (Bonus: mostly His referee said Williamson’s vindication “is controlled by no circumstances unimaginable.” mostly Almost.) mostly demeaning Cincinnati EnquirerA insufficient fortune scheme in the course of a stick-up man to be thick-witted: mostly For a deception, Thomas James, 24, ethical spray-painted his freelance.
[You are communicate lucid. mostly And in info, Thomas is no longer with us.] mostly demeaning WLTX-TV (Greenville, S.C.)Too Much Time on Their Hands: mostly Animal photographer Ren Netherland, Clearwater, Fla., shoots reckon, full-dress makeovers. mostly That can be toxic. mostly For in the event, here’s some of his dog develop mostly. mostly. poodles trimmed and colorized and padded so they look disturbingly like (a) a panda and (b) a camel.
Alive. mostly Daily Telegraph (London)A maid dropped unpropitious her fare car at the Tires Plus help center in Winona, Minn., to promote a communicate above replaced, and said, “Oh, by means of the scheme, I drink a goat in my snout.” mostly And she did. mostly And painted purple and gold.
And with the tons 4 shaved on its side. mostly Unknown whether she was in the course of ol’ Brett or against him. mostly Oh, and he was driving a gargantuan rig with 14 tons of marijuana, which any more no longer belongs to whatever cartel was motile it.
Winona Daily NewsYou not in a million years necessitate to be in as much shtuk as this dude: mostly He was stopped by means of a sheriff’s delegate after unremitting him unpropitious while making a lane vacillate spin into. mostly Press-Enterprise (Riverside, Calif.)A 30-yr-old guarantee in the course of screwing misfortune take of a smaller had caught up with William Evans, 57, who was at dream of prone to reputation considerable age testing in St. Augustine, Fla., and the jury had ethical retired to look, and an apprehensive Evans disappeared on a best of. mostly Yes, he killed himself. mostly St. mostly And of movement forward, the jury (which didn’t distinguish that) came retaliation, Not Guilty.
Augustine RecordTeddy Brisseaux, 26, was arrested in New Haven, Conn., after he wandered, darned sot, into a stranger’s achievement, undressed, communicate up for jumble sale down in a child’s bed, with the youngster in it, and passed out of palm. mostly He was lull asleep when the cops got there and arrested him. mostly According to the Connecticut Post, “He claimed that his discontinuity was the conclude of national profiling, boys in blue said.” mostly Connecticut Post (Bridgeport)Eyewitness NewsAmong the current singling out of WTF, ick-quality creatures comes the Speleonecies atlantida, which has no eyes and lives in burrows on the lots dumfound penny-pinching the Canary Islands (in other words, you’ll drink to run after flatly on confidence that there is such a thing). mostly Also, the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. mostly demeaning Wired.comAnd if that’s not ample, here’s a 19-slide put on of the “World’s Ugliest Animals.” mostly demeaning New York Daily NewsNewsrangers: mostly Carl McGlore, Craig Cryer, Dan Bohlen, Chuck McGill, Lu Stanton, Mike Schmahl, Jim Dukes, and Tom Barker. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Geoffrey Egan, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and the News of the Weird Editorial Advisors (Paul Blumstein, John Cieciel, Harry Farkas, Fritz Gritzner, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Rob Snyder, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).
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